Sunday, April 13, 2014

I Am Changing (in my Jennifer Holliday voice.) Am I?

 "I am praying to be a Proverbs 31, fearless, faithful, and loving woman. It's not easy, but I'm working on it."

I have a lot of time to reflect on so much. Although I probably have too much time to reflect, I try to at least keep the focus on my present. What is going on with me? Who am I today versus the person I was a week ago, a month ago, a year ago...you get the picture. My quote comes from a post I wrote nearly a year ago. I stumbled upon that post, and I wondered have I become this woman. It's great timing since I want to focus on the type of person I've become at the ripe old age of 30. I'll take it bit by bit. 

Proverbs 31  is a great description of the type of woman I want to be. This is one hardworking, loving, and kind woman. She really is the type of woman that most wives want to be. A provider, nurturer, cheerleader, philanthropist, and a woman who fears the Lord out of reverence. She wants the best for all of those around her. She has wisdom and a kind word on her tongue. Ooh, if I could get to the point where I always have a kind word on my tongue that would be awesome! This woman is highly regarded because she posses so many beautiful characteristics. Her wonderful spirit is so highly regarded that even her husband is known in the gates. Women can sit among the elders now, but when this was written, that was not the case. Can you imagine the type of influence this woman must have had? Honey! I love it, and I want to be her. So where am I with this? I am doing a lot more good than harm, and I am definitely far more supportive than critical. Old Kim would have looked at the situation and critiqued the hell out of it. I could turn any accomplishment into a mere whimsy. Recognizing that about myself sucked, but it created the new me. I am more likely to focus on the pluses and then constructively criticize any minuses or not say anything that won't be helpful. Changing this wasn't hard to do. I only need someone to tell me once that I'm hurting or offending them, but I need to be told. Now I just need to buy a plot of land and get myself some servants....

Fearless- I definitely am more fearless. I read a book, so it's certified now. Lol. I have pursued things that I opted not to do out of fear that I would fail. I do not accept failure well, so I've avoided it. Well, I've done the easy work. I've been accepted into a PhD program, but now I have to prepare myself for what may be the most difficult thing for me to do. On top of this, we plan on bringing people into the world next year. This is going to be interesting. Trusting in the Lord. 

Loving- It comes naturally for me to have a big heart, but for those who are rude...I've got a nanosecond for those people. I have some of these people in my life (directly and indirectly) and in an effort to try and forge some type of relationship, I've decided to fake it until I make it. If the false environment that I have created proves to not be enough, fine by me. I have other things where I can focus my energy. This is proving to be difficult. People are blind to the things that may be perceived as negative. No one wants to be anything that has a negative connotation, but got dang I can't stand it when people don't face the truth. So I'm dealing...poorly most days, but I'm dealing. 

Current assessment: I'm in a better place than where I was nearly a year ago, but I've got more work to do. I'll check back in on myself in 6 months.