Sunday, April 27, 2014

Self Worth

Once upon a time, I lost most, if not all, of my self worth. It was the result of a relationship that left me with more questions than answers and a void I thought would never be filled. It caused me to severely devalue myself. I can only blame myself for this since my value was not something that was taken from me. It was something that I gave up. Yes the ingredients were laid out by another. However, I chose to pick up the ingredients, measure them out, and bake that wretched cake. It was dry, and I ate it. It had no flavor, but I ate it. I thought I measured the salt perfectly, but there was too much. I still ate it. It was a dry, flavorless, and salty cake, and I ate every last bite. How did I let that happen?  

The reasons that created that moment no longer matter except to serve as a reminder of what not to do in life. From time to time, the feeling of worthlessness creeps in, but I have to remind myself that "I is kind, I is smart, and I is important." I absolutely hate that line from "The Help", but I love what Aibileen was trying to impart to Mae Mobley. Mae Mobley's mother was going to clip her little wings before she could even fly. It's hard enough to grow up in a world that is always showing images of how we don't measure up, but to have your mother be your personal tour guide into that dark place is saddening. Aibileen was trying to give her a chance to know what feeling worthy was like. Maybe those seeds she planted could grow in any type of terrain, and Mae Mobley would have a chance to feel like she mattered. We all want to matter. We all want to feel like we belong. We all want to be loved. As we get older, we must accept that all of this must come from within first, and then we can add people to our lives who can help us be better versions of our ourselves. Seeking it from anywhere else will leave us insatiable. It's a lesson that I keep learning repeatedly, and I hope not to my detriment. The struggle continues but at least it continues.

Self worth must be protected. The world will steal it, disfigure it, or kill it if we let it. My self worth was on life support but with time comes healing. I pray that I don't ever slip that far again, but at least this time I know better.